Winning Silver

I few weeks ago, I was driving in my car listening to Jonathan Van Ness’ podcast, Getting Curious with JVN, as I do every week. If you’re unfamiliar with JVN, he’s on Netflix’s reboot of Queer Eye as well as being my own personal Jesus. Additionally, he is an avid fan of ice skating and is a burgeoning skater himself. This week in particular, he hosted the skating legend herself, Michelle Kwan, to talk about her life and figure skating.

At one point in the podcast, Michelle recounted an interview she had with Jay Leno after the 1998 Olympics where she placed 2nd behind Tara Lipinski in the Ladies Singles figuring skating competition. People at the time kept asking her how it felt to lose the gold medal at the Olympics, especially coming off her US National Championship win just two months previous.

In response, Michelle retorted with, “I didn’t lose the gold, I won the silver.”

Self Doubt_It's very difficult to connect deeply with ourselves while thinking our body needs to change._ (1)

I was an athlete for 7 years and the high expectations to perform extended to every facet of my life, well after my throwing career was over. My mantra of sorts went something like, “Throwing is fun because winning is fun.”

Truthfully, I think this mindset had begun before my athletic career. Growing up as the youngest in my family laid the foundation, athletics just exacerbated the problem and gave it a channel through which to grow.

When I was competing, if I wasn’t #1 then nothing I did seemed to matter.

This personal philosophy has rolled over to every activity I’ve done or wanted to do; if I wasn’t winning or being the best, then my attempts felt fruitless. From a young age, I felt like I didn’t need my mediocrity over-saturating the market.

Why bother if someone was always going to be better/more deserving/smarter than me?

Revelation

What struck me with Michelle’s response was that she was still happy and satisfied without that gold medal. Michelle gave herself permission to be proud of how she did, what she did to get there, and what her being visible did for so many others.

This concept felt new to me and yet so rational, that you can be good and even great without the self loathing of not being the best.

I realized in that moment how many times I invalidated myself and the things I’d like to do because I didn’t consider myself the best. I’ve stopped so many creative pursuits because it was easier to alleviate some shame by quitting than reworking my mindset.

I’m grateful now to have the tools to transform my mindset and to begin the process of giving myself permission to unabashedly love and create and share.

Silver Lining

There will probably always be someone who’s better than me at a variety of things. Luckily, there is no master list of who’s best to worst in any given thing. It’s something we create for ourselves as a road block.

Comparison is the thief of joy and I will repeat that phrase until I finally get that the only thing in my way of doing what I want is me, not the person I feel is a step ahead.

_It's very difficult to connect deeply with ourselves while thinking our body needs to change._

We are all running our own races and seeing someone ahead of us, somewhere in the distance, holds no relevance to our own race.

As any good thing does, my loves, this change and transformation is a process that takes time. But I believe we will find the place where we appreciate, honor, and enjoy our silver, not resenting it as a stepping stone or as a short coming, but for what it is: worth it.

x,

Lillie

October Favorites

Hello my favorite spooky queens and fashionable fiends, your girl is back back back again this week with a new kind of post for my blog: monthly favorites!

I obviously don’t specialize in one sort of thing, so you’ll get a mix of various things in my life that I enjoyed this month, so much so I’m taking an entire blog post to talk about them.

I love a good lifestyle suggestion as much as the next queen, so here is what I’ve been loving this month:

TV: American Horror Story: ApocalypseIMG_8935

The witches are back and that’s all that matters to me these days. I’ve always been a big fan of AHS, but I’ve avoided some of the past seasons as they have not lived up to my love for Asylum & Coven. Nothing gets me into the spooky fall spirit like the end of the world and a bunch of witches. We are about half way through the season and every week has me on my toes waiting for what will happen next.

You’ll love this if you like: spooky TV/ witches/ the devil/ dark humor/ stevie nicks

xoxo, your next supreme.

Podcast: Thick & Thin

IMG_9583I’ve been doing a decent bit of traveling this month, especially to and from work and a podcast is always a great way for my cheap ass who doesn’t have Spotify premium to enjoy something other than the same 5 songs on the radio.

I’ve followed Katy for years and I’ve brought up her podcast in the past, but I love listening to Katy and her experiences in New York (a place I hope to move to soon) and being a recent college grad (such as myself.) She brings her life musings to the people who need that insight the most and she always gives you something to think about in terms of your own life and how you’re living it.

You’ll love this if you like: NYC/ being a 20 something/ talking about fuckbois/ need an extra kick of motivation or self love

Listen here

Habit: 10 Minute Clean Up

This month has really kicked my ass in terms of working between my two jobs and it can often render me useless in other areas of my life. What has been helping me get my life in order is by timing myself for 10 minutes to do a quick clean of my room. I have to set the timer or it doesn’t work. Once my space is clean, I am able to approach all the things I need to do with a clear head and jump of motivation.

You’ll love this if you like: Being clean, but not that clean/ having a clear head space/ not having the same dirty clothes on the floor for a week/ feeling like a real adult

Book: The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue

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credit: harper collins publishing

Y’all, I am a card carrying queen to not 1 but 2 libraries in the area. One in particular has a really great selection of YA and since I work in a book store, I’m constantly surrounded by things I should read. After seeing this one at work, I checked it out and devoured it in a week.

It has all the things I love is a good book, travel, adventures, queer characters, feminism, and a cute love interest. What more could you want?

The premise is that our boy Monty is going on his European Tour (1700’s style) before returning home to take over his family estate. Monty is a wild play boy, in love with his best friend Percy, and not at all prepared for the reality that awaits him and Percy when they get home. Along with Monty’s sister Felicity, the 3 get into wild adventures all across Europe. The book has a surprise sci/fi twist I don’t want to ruin.

Find out more here

Fashion: DIY Rings

img_9585.jpegY’all know I’m a proud, cheap bitch. So naturally, I bought some rings at a thrift store with the anticipation of making them wearable. I’m mad in love with how they turned out.

All I did was take these shape rings that were completely flat, took my favorite nail polish colors and did two coats on them. What is also great is that I can easily change the colors with nail polish remover and new polish. I’ve been wearing them none stop.

Food: A Good Ass Grilled Cheese

Tis the szn for warm soups and sammies, am I right? And I’ve constantly being jonesing for comforting grilled cheeses and this month has not disappointed. My favorite has been homemade with sharp cheddar cheese, grape tomatoes, basil, and tomato herb bread from the local farmers market. To DIE for.

 

Hope your October was as good as mine, remember to be kind, love yourself, and let yourself enjoy the little things life has to offer.

x

Lillie